Isaac

Isaac bounded into the room with a huge grin on his face. “Jewel, I’ve missed you. Can’t live without you.”

“Isaac, will you marry me?”

“In a heartbeat.”

“Once we’re bound, no-one can break us up. No-one can sign a paper to put me away. It’s you and me, Isaac. You and me from now on.”

“Let’s do it. They searched me on the way in. This place is like a prison.” He took a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket. “They even searched my ciggies. Thought I might smuggle in a little blow for you.” He pulled a cigarette and a lighter out of the packet and lit up while opening the window. Taking a long slow draw, he exhaled and passed it to Eva.

She breathed in deeply, savouring her first taste of nicotine in more than a week. “Ray thinks you’re no good for me,” she said.

Isaac placed his index finger and thumb into his mouth, reached into the top right-hand side, pulled out a small tin foil package and placed it on the window ledge. “He might be right Jewel, he might be right.”

*

When Eva had got back to the house, it surprised her to find it cleaned up. There was no sign of the carnage that had taken place.

“Did you do this Isaac?”

“Nah, your mum threw me out. I’ve been couch surfing the entire time you were in the big house.”

Eva laughed at Isaac’s name for rehab. He loved his noir movies.

“I got some takeaway being delivered. Nothing too heavy, some nice herb to ease you back in. You want me to invite some people around?”

“Not tonight, Isaac. I just want it to be the two of us. Is that okay?”

“Sure. Me and you, up a tree.

*

Eva inhaled and held her breath. She leaned back on the couch and looked over at Isaac, blowing smoke rings.

“Hey Gandalf,” she said, after exhaling in one large breath. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking we should stay in the Shire, but then again, where’s the fun in that?”

“Doc reckons I’m smart.”

“What makes him think that?”

“Je pense, donc je suis.”

“Ooh la la.”

“I’m going to sleep now,” she said as she stubbed the rest of the joint in the ashtray and swung her legs around up onto the couch.

“Sweet dreams Jewel. Gandalf will watch over you.”

Eva drifted off and found herself back at rehab. She was asking the doctor again how she could know she was real. He repeated his answer. Je pense, donc je suis. She woke up and looked at the clock. She’d only been asleep 30 minutes. Isaac was crashed out on the armchair, a burnt out joint held between his fingers. Eva picked up her phone and dialled Ray’s number.

“Eva, you ok?”

“I’m all right lover, but it doesn’t make sense.”

“What doesn’t?”

“What the doctor said. If she was a perfect copy, she would have the same thoughts as me. She would think about whether she was real, but she’s not real, so it’s not a genuine test. It proves nothing. I think therefore I am, proves nothing.”

“The doctor was right, you are smart when you’re clean,” Ray said.

“He was lying, just like he was lying when he said he’d never thought about it before. He didn’t want to frighten me.”

“Do you think you are real?”

“I think so, but I’m not sure.”

“If you believe it, what does it matter? Maybe he was right. If you think, you are real.”

“Real, but not the original?”

“You’re smarter than me, Eva. You’re making my head hurt.”

“Okay lover, I’ll leave you alone. Are you alone?”

“Saving myself for you.”

“Please don’t.”

Eva rolled herself another joint and lit up. She looked at Isaac. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d a quiet night, the two of them with none of the ever-changing entourage.

She looked around at the room. There had been a burn mark on the table. She was sure of it, but now it was gone. What if it was all an illusion, what if she was an illusion? Eva stubbed the joint out. If she was in the dream, there would be subtle differences. There would be something that would give it away, but she would only notice if she was clean. Two weeks. She would give it two weeks to find out.

Crystal Blue

The boat cut its way through the narrow gap in the barrier reef that guarded the lagoon. The sky was deep blue with an occasional drifting cloud, the water below azure.

“What do you think?” asked Eva.

“It ain’t Camden,”

“Maybe nowhere is.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Perhaps none of it’s real, even if it’s original. We’re all part of a larger dream. We just imagine we are separate and unique.”

“I don’t know what they did to you in rehab Jewel, but you’ve changed.”

“I’m clean. I can think.”

“What good did thinking ever do anyone.” Isaac thumped his chest. “Feeling is more important.” He finished the beer in his hand and dropped the empty can on the deck of the boat.

“But you will still marry me.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah Jewel, I’d just have preferred it if the crew had all been here.”

“There’s no crew Isaac. There’s me and you. The crew was whoever tagged along. Different people every night, there for the ride.”

Isaac grimaced. “Yeah, but you get what I mean.”

“There will be people here at the resort. They’ll be your crew in a couple of days, and there’s only one way in and one way out. No paps shitting all over us.”

“No gear though. I don’t think I can do it, Jewel, seriously. I haven’t been to rehab. I’m flying solo here.”

“You’ll survive.”

*

“Some fucking crew,” said Isaac.

They were sitting at a long bench eating dinner with the rest of the guests. The island had a maximum of twenty guests at any one time and they all eat dinner together each evening at one communal table.

“I like it,” said Eva. “Don’t be a grinch.”

Isaac downed his vodka and held his hand aloft, waving his glass, trying to catch the eye of the waiter.

*

Eva had spent the day exploring the island. The accommodation was a series of luxurious beach huts facing onto the lagoon. Although mainly flat, there was a steep incline to the west of the beach that led to a cliff, perhaps fifteen to twenty metres tall. She watched some guests leap from the cliff and make the drop into the deep clear water below. A boat circled below the cliff, picking up the jumpers when they resurfaced. Eva felt dizzy watching them. She had always had a terrified fascination with heights. She believed that if she stood next to the edge of any tall building or surface, she would be drawn over the edge, pulled to her doom by an uncontrollable urge inside her.

After watching from a distance, she made her way back down to the beach. She saw Isaac sitting at the bar with a beer in his hand. He had refused to come with her. Eva walked along the shoreline. A member of the island staff was cleaning some paddleboards and asked her if she wanted to use one of them. She shook her head. He asked her if she wanted a snorkel mask. She took it from him to close out the conversation and walked out into the water.

The sun was baking hot on her back. The water felt cool and pleasing as it lapped against her legs. She waded deeper and put on the mask. She then floated, face down, looking at the fish, busy swimming nowhere in particular. She noticed the sound of silence as she submerged her head to take a closer look. It sounded good. She was in the moment, watching the fish, listening to nothing, thinking about nothing. Just observing.

Pushing herself down further into the water, she breathed in some water through the snorkel. She coughed violently and kicked downwards to reach the surface. Her feet immediately hit the sand, and she righted herself. She was only in about a metre of water. Pulling the mask off, she spat out the salty water. Eva laughed at her own panicked reaction. Her hands tingled, her eyes watered, and her toes curled into the sand below.

Making her way back out of the water, she thought about the last few weeks. She had stayed clean and, even more remarkably, had enjoyed it. The thought of her not being real seemed ridiculous now, the last echoes of an addicted mind.

*

“You look amazing,” said the guest sitting opposite her at the dinner table. “I’m sorry, I’m being rude.”

“It’s okay,” said Eva. “You mean compared to before, don’t you? I’ve been called a skanky whore by a fan who paid money to see me. I think I can handle the occasional compliment, no matter how clumsy.”

“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it like that.”

“Drink,” Isaac said, loudly. “Drink over here. Man drowning in boredom. Needs urgent alcohol.”

Eva looked at Isaac and had an overwhelming awareness that she was his credit card. Her company had bored him since she got clean, but he stayed anyway, still wanted to marry her, still went along with anything she wanted.

“Would you like to dance?” she asked the star-struck guest.

“Sure,” he stood up nervously and followed her to the small dance floor.

Isaac continued to wave his glass in the air and demand alcohol. He couldn’t care less if she was dancing with one of the other guests.

“I can’t believe I am here socialising with you on holiday. Even dancing with you. It’s more than I hoped for.”

Eva froze. The recognition of the phrase hit her. “Socialising with you on holiday”. It was a phrase the doctor used. Suddenly, it was clear. She was clean and sober and happy to socialise with normals. She was in a fit state to go on tour and record fresh material. She was ready to be productive.

“I think, therefore I have doubt,” she said.

“Sorry?”

“I’m clean because I’m trying to figure out if I’m real. Trying to stay alert and feel reality. I think someone planted that thought to get me clean, to get me productive. That was brilliant. I guess I’m not the smart one.”

“I don’t get you?”

“Oh, but you do, don’t you?” Eva leaned in and whispered in his ear. “You’re a client of Lucid Synthetic Dreaming. You paid to meet me. I know I’m not supposed to know, but I do. How much did you pay?”

The guest pulled back and stared at her wide eyed. “A lot.”

“Would you like to meet me in real life?”

“That’s impossible.”

“No, not impossible. Are you here for the freak show or do you want me to get better?”

“I love seeing you like this. Not everyone wants you to crash and burn. Some of us love you.”

“Okay, listen. I will tell you how to get access and the message you need to give to me. Promise you will do exactly as I say.”

“I promise.”

“Thank you. What’s your name?”

“Mike.”

“Okay Mike, listen carefully.”

*

The boat arrived the next day, bringing Ray and taking Isaac away. Eva greeted Ray with a hug and took him for a walk to the jumping point on the cliff.

“We will never be lovers. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Brother and sister, that’s what we are. If we had sex now, after all this time, it would be weird.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay brother, could you jump from here?”

“Sure. Doesn’t look too high, and the water is deep enough.”

“Will you jump with me?”

“You couldn’t jump.”

Eva took hold of Ray’s hand and walked to the edge. Holding on tight, she peered over the edge. The boat was making lazy circles, waiting for the next jumper. Sure enough, she had been right all along. Standing there on the edge, she felt pulled forward. “Don’t let go of me.”

Eva stepped off the cliff, and Ray followed. She screamed with laughter as she fell through the air towards the beautiful silence of the crystal blue water below.

The Message

Mike leaned in again and spoke the words Eva had guessed at but was never sure of. “You are not real. You are the girl in the dream.”

“But how can I be sure?”

“Stay alert and you will see it. You will see things that are not right. Subtly different. They haven’t got everything perfect.”

Eva nodded. Through the haze, she knew what she had to do.

The End